UPDATE at Sep 2011 I’m super fine na now.. not feeling depressed or sad or anything at all *whips hair* thanks to pole dancing

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So, I took an online quiz to see if I might be clinically depressed.  I scored a 65 and I was surprised myself.

am I just pms-ing again? I was fine yesterday.. but today, I just feel extremely low.  Is it just hormones and some weird body chemistry?

TBH, I don’t find meaning in life anymore.  I’m just living and I don’t want to commit suicide because that is my promise to the people who loves me.  I will endure all the pain for people I love, wag lang sila masaktan through my actions.  I don’t want to dissappoint them.

I don’t like this materialistic world anymore… There is too much pressure to succeed in career, to earn money, to stay pretty   I have been in many competitions in my life… games and in real life.  It started when parents compare me to children of their friends who are working for this multinational company earning millions now to classmates pressuring me to do stuff and to boyfriends who think I’m not working smart.

heck, it’s tiring!

I fully understand that I may feel like trash today but I know I have many skills that can help other people.  I feel inspired to spend my time helping others, but for now I just feel down. no appetite, my tummy is crunching. i’m thirsty, but i don’t want to drink water.  Do I want to feel pain? maybe… maybe pain is better than feeling nothing huh?

I’m not like this before. or not even yesterday I felt super fine.

IDK what triggered this. maybe realizing once again that I don’t have a job.  seeing friends moving on with their lives. me, i’m stuck in whatever this thing I’m at

I’m better than this…  I know I am… but please allow me to pour my emotions for now.

I was thinking of going back corporate, but if I do, I have to work abroad.  Working corporate is depressing here.

If I do find a job here in the Philippines, I want it to be something with a purpose.  I don’t care much about money.  I’d want to work for charities or other non-profit companies or social enterprises.  Anything that I will find some meaning on. and not just a 9-5 job I’d be depressed on

I’m scared.

I wish someone would just hold my hand right now and say to me that everything will be fine